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Barney's quotes

1 Sci-fi

“Think of me as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro: I’m Broda!”

2 Religion

“God, it’s me, Barney. Wha dup? I know we don’t talk much, though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

3 Generosity

“This is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there’s no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season, why not bang someone in need?”

4 Rebounds

“There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.”

5 Cocktails

“See that woman nursing a Black Russian? She's about to chase that with a White American.”

6 Bartering

“Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket.”

7 Porn

“When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is my life has better lighting?”

8 Canadian porn

“Trust me when I tell you their universal healthcare system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go oot of my mind.”

9 Motivational techniques #1

“Girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still go to the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway: but it's all downhill from here.”

10 Charity

“I feel like I've done so much good I have a ‘soul boner’.”

11 Exercise

Quinn (Barney’s soon-to-be stripper girlfriend): “Wow, you have Enormous Penis Syndrome? I’ve never heard of that.”

Barney: “Yeah, that’s the problem with EPS – lack of awareness. That’s why I’m organising a 10K fun run. Of course, many of us will need wheelbarrows…”

12 Pregnancy scares

“No part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110 per cent. If one of my little Michael Phelps’ has got loose, he’s swimming for a Gold.”

13 Christmas carols

Jingle Bells  “Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I’ll make your sister moan, oh…”

We Wish You A Merry Christmas “I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked and down on all fours.”

14 Work

“That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything.”

15 Honesty

“This, what you’re doing right now? It’s giving me a de-rection.”

16 Immigration

“You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours... 14 if you qualify for multiple entry.”

17 Superhero folklore

“With great penis comes great responsibility.”

18 Movie stars

“If I could nail any celebrity, it would have to be Scarlett Johansson. She's hot, she's talented, and any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues.”

19 Wedding etiquette

“Can I have your phone number? It’s for the bride.”

20 Smoking

“I only smoke on certain occasions: post-coital, when I'm with Germans - sometimes the two overlap - coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, pre-coital, and – wait for it, 'cause I sure have – pregnancy scares.”

21 Weight loss

“I invest in women who - how can I put this delicately? - they fat! I give them the attention they don't get now, and when they get hot, who do they come to? The guy who gave them attention back when they weren't.”

22 Relationships

“Soon you will become a henpecked, beaten-down shell of a man. Tonight, we are having a no-holds-barred celebration of brohood; a broing away party; a bro-choice rally; Brotime At The Apollo.”

23 Cheating

“Open your brain-tank bra, 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There are three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.”

24 Strategies

Barney: “My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. OK, hook-up strategy: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.”

Ted: “Do these strategies ever work for you?”

Barney: “The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way, the answer's about half the time."

25 Charity

“I am Mr Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters and over 30's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.”

26 Ailments

“It’s gonna be legen – wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is… dairy!”

27 Motivational techniques #2

“Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.”

28 Plus ones

“You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.”

CBS

NPH with the rest of the HIMYM gang: Cobie Smulders, Josh Radnor, Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel

29 Booty calls

“On a booty call, you barely even have to talk. At 9pm you say, ‘Hey babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight? Sweet, see you in a half an hour.’ But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. 12am it’s, ‘Barney! Busy? Sweet.’ And by three in the morning, you just text ‘?’”

30 Rules of dating

“The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet: in other words, don't let her shower at your place. Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight: ie, never see them during the day. Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight: meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her. Ever!”

31 Time saving

“There are so many things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?”

32 Funerals

“I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it - buck naked! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies…”

33 Apologies

Barney: “Excuse me, did I sleep with you and then screw you over?”

Woman: “No, I don't think so.”

Barney: “Dammit! In that case, would you like to go out?”

34 Fashion advice

“There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit - nine for 10 - and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.”

35 Dry spells

“You've been pork free so long, you're practically kosher.”

36 Valentine’s Day

“Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.”

37 Motivational techniques #3

Ted: “The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the ‘You like her, you call her’ rule.”

Barney: “I'm sorry, I don't speak ‘I never get laid’.”

38 Female grooming

“FYI, men don't care. They just want to get to the green, they don't mind going through the rough.”

39 Photography

“The camera loves me. More than loves me: the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.”

40 And finally, the ultimate chat-up line…

“Daddy’s home…”

My own creation

Neil Patrick Harris

     Neil Patrick Harris (born June 15, 1973) is an American actor, producer, and director. He is known for playing Barney Stinson in the television comedy series How I Met Your Mother (2005–present), the title character in Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993), the title role in Joss Whedon's musical Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog (2008), and a fictional version of himself in the Harold & Kumar film series (2004–2011). He has also appeared in the films Starship Troopers (1997), Beastly (2011), The Smurfs (2011), and The Smurfs 2 (2013).

     Harris was named as one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people in 2010, and was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in September 2011. Harris has also hosted the Tony Awards on Broadway in 2009, 2011, 2012, and 2013.

   MAGIC

     Harris is a fan of magic, like his character on How I Met Your Mother. He serves as the President of the Board of Directors of Hollywood's Magic Castle. Harris won the Tannen's Magic Louis Award in 2006 and hosted the 2008 World Magic Awards on October 11, 2008. Additionally, Harris and partner David Burtka (he is his Neil's boyfriend...I know, he is gay, such a lost!) were guests of honor for a Top Chef Masters episode which took place at the Magic Castle. Harris also performed magic in his Emmy-winning performance on Glee.

Childhood and family... I am Black

As revealed in "Zoo or False," Barney was born 7 years after the first man landed on the Moon, thus making 1976 his year of birth. He was raised in Port Richmond, Staten Island by his mother Loretta (younger version voiced by Megan Mullally, played by Frances Conroy), who was apparently very promiscuous. His father proved to be an ongoing mystery in the series. When Barney was young, he asked his mother who his father was, and as The Price is Right happened to be on TV at the time, she pointed to Bob Barker and replied "Oh, I don't know. That guy." Barney believed the lie wholeheartedly, and years later confronted Barker in the season 2 episode "Showdown" with the intention of naming Barker as his father on national television, until he panicked at the last minute and could not go through with it. As a child, Barney was terrible at sports, and from various episodes it is shown he had few friends (one scene shows that no one attended his birthday party). In the episode "The Leap," Lily reveals that Barney planned on being a violinist when he was young.

In "Natural History", it is mentioned that a man named Jerome Whittaker, who up to then Barney believed to be his uncle, signed a form claiming to be Barney's father. Barney finally met Jerome (John Lithgow) again in the episode "Legendaddy" and learned that he is in fact his father. Upon meeting, Jerome felt forced to act in the same confident, womanizing manner as Barney in order to impress him, and also because Barney seemingly refused to see him any other way. Barney eventually broke down and accused Jerome of walking out on him (Barney's mother forbade Jerome from seeing Barney due to his drug use and wild lifestyle). Jerome, who could offer no excuse, apologized and pleaded with Barney to allow him to be a part of his life, which Barney was open to, but apparently not ready for yet. Later in the sixth season, in "Hopeless", Jerome tries to impress Barney by acting like his old self, but later reveals he was just pretending. Barney, nevertheless, willingly listens to advice from Jerome about settling down in his older days.

Barney has three half-siblings: James (played by Wayne Brady), from his mother's side, a gay African American who is getting a divorce and has with an adopted son and daughter (as revealed in the season seven episode "The Rebound Girl"); Carly (played by Ashley Benson), a university student from his father's side with whom Ted hooks up, on Barney's insistence in "Ring Up!", and Jerome Jr. (JJ), from his father's side, who is 11. He also has a female cousin named Leslie, as seen in the episode "Okay Awesome".

Suit up!

     Barney Stinson is one of five main characters on How I Met Your Mother. He is a histrionic in his mid-thirties, wears a suit, likes women with "daddy issues" and is frequently willing to offer his (sometimes hypocritical) opinion. Throughout the earlier seasons, Barney is a huge womanizer, and has been described as a "high functioning sociopath" by his best friend, Ted Mosby, who wants to settle down. Stinson has a plethora of strategies and rules designed to meet women, sleep with them, and discard them. Through several seasons of the show, four of the main characters were couples, as Ted began dating Robin Scherbatsky and Ted's roommate Marshall Eriksen became engaged and later married to Lily Aldrin. This left Stinson the only single character, and, according to Harris, Stinson was "resentful" that the other characters had paired up. Later on, in season 5, he dated Robin. They end up breaking up not long after, once they both realize they are making one another miserable.

     Harris describes Barney as a man who "likes to create crazy situations and then sit back and watch it all go down." He tends to be opportunistic and manipulative, and will attempt to manipulate a situation so that it goes his way. In the episode "Shelter Island", for example, Barney successfully convinces Robin (in whom he was exhibiting romantic interest) to come to Ted and Stella's wedding, even though it was not in the couple's best interests to do so. He is also highly competitive, and will take on "challenges" to complete (sometimes) outlandish tasks in order to prove his worth. He is proud and stubborn, and attempts to stand by his word no matter what. In "I Heart NJ", for example, he refuses to put down his fist unless someone offers him a fist bump. By the end of the episode, he has the same fist elevated in a sling after struggling to keep his fist up throughout the episode. Although he thinks of himself as worldly, Barney is extremely naive at times, believing many lies his mother told him well into adulthood, such as believing that Bob Barker is his father.

Barney, like Harris, is an illusionist. His favorite types of magic tricks include fire, which his friends seem to hate, as seen in the tenth episode of the second season, "Single Stamina" and in the fourth episode of the fourth season, "Intervention". Barney uses them mostly to pick up women. His most common method of picking up women is telling them elaborate lies about himself, often using an alias. Many of his schemes for picking up women are in a book he has written called ˝The Playbook˝, which is exposed in the episode "The Playbook". He has commitment issues, as evidenced in his reluctance to put a label on his relationship with Robin and the fact that she is one of the few women he has actually dated since the show started.

Barney is very well-connected and is the most affluent member of the group. He frequently buys expensive items—such as a last-minute plane ticket to San Francisco, thousands of dollars in postage stamps, or two televisions specifically for smashing in frustration—in the spur of the moment. He is also something of a metrosexual; he waxes his chest, enjoys manicures and has an extensive knowledge of designer labels and gourmet food. However, he is also seen to have a gambling problem that he occasionally gets under control, only to relapse as seen in several episodes such as "Atlantic City", where he has Chinese Triad gambling friends, and "Monday Night Football".

     As far as talent goes, Barney has exhibited eloquence, wit and creativity numerous times throughout the series. He speaks several languages, using what is said to be Ukrainian (actually Russian) with his tailor, Mandarin, Japanese, and Korean at least twice in business deals with shady North Koreans. He has extensive skill with business, as evidenced when thinks that an imprecision in a contract would result in war was "a Tuesday" for him in "The Goat". He apparently also has above-average video-editing skills; he created and edited his entire video resume all by himself. He seems to be a talented website designer, as shown in "The Playbook". As shown on more than one occasion, he is proficient at playing the piano, as are Ted and Marshall. He seems to have a thorough understanding of human behavior and uses this mainly to manipulate situations to his advantage (mostly to pick up women). Several episodes also showcase many of Barney's crazier abilities, such as his physical ability to complete the New York City marathon without a single day of training (although this seems to be through sheer willpower rather than physical strength, as his legs went numb while he took the subway moments later), being able to punch through walls, stay under water for up to 12 minutes and being knowledgeable enough to guess the exact price of prizes on The Price Is Right. He also juggles knives in "Doppelgangers", is able to sense how long it has been since a woman has last had sex and has taken classes to be an expert Teppanyaki chef in the episode "Ducky Tie". Despite his eclectic and prodigious talents, Barney is lacking in several common skills, such as driving a car ("Arrivederci, Fiero") or using a screwdriver ("Legendaddy"), although he seems to have learned the former over the course of the series, as he tries to prove in "As Fast As She Can" that he can get out of a speeding ticket. In "Robin 101", Barney stated "They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?" referring to ADHD, which explains his habit of zoning out when people are talking to him.

Although The Early Show described him as "utterly devoid of morality", Barney lives by the "Bro Code", his own code of rules. Despite his overall questionable character, according to creator Craig Thomas, Barney is "a pretty fragile character who's really afraid of being alone. He just wants people to like him, to be important to people, and to have disciples who follow his word." He has displayed acts of kindness on multiple occasions, such as reuniting Lily and Marshall and preventing Marshall from sleeping with other women. Although coming across as a very strong character with a penchant for committing daring and wild feats, Barney has an extreme fear of spiders, as shown in the season 2 episode "First Time in New York". He also has a habit of eating ice cream when he is upset, although this is common among all the main cast.

In "The Slutty Pumpkin Returns", it is revealed that he is one quarter Canadian which is ironic as Barney frequently belittles the country to Robin (who is Canadian).

     Throughout the series' history, one major character development is apparent in Barney: At the beginning of the show, his character is an almost-sociopathic womanizer who completely objectifies sex and women and wants nothing to do with dating and relationships. Although he does date Robin in Season 5, he continues his promiscuous ways immediately after their breakup. But later on, his character undergoes a noticeable maturity period, especially in Seasons 6 and 7, where he begins to confront his personal issues, like his relationship with his father, and his approaches towards dating and relationships with women also change. He realizes that he does indeed have a soft side, who can really love and care about a woman, as apparent when he is dating Nora and then his admittance of wanting to be with Robin. By the time late Season 7 rolls around, Barney has finally "grown up," and has now warmed to the idea of a commitment and marriage, culminating in his proposal to Quinn, which is a major surprise to the rest of the gang. Although he briefly retreats to his escapades after his breakup with Quinn, he does make one major final leap in his maturity when he burns The Playbook and proposes to Robin in Season 8's two-part episode "The Final Page," after finally admitting to himself that he was still in love with her. Robin accepts and they plan their wedding in the second half of the season.